of course it's been awhile.

it's no secret that life gets in the way as we wade through the waters of life, with a husband, 3 kids, a household to run, work.

still, every now and again, i try to check in. if only to keep the blog active. for posterity. especially for all the entries on my firstborn.

... which dwindled markedly for the secondborn.

...... which became nil for the thirdborn. poor little guy.

since i'm here, i might as well.

hi everyone.

my name is aidan.

i was born on wednesday, 26 march 2014.

weight: 3.4kg

height: 49.0cm
pantai medical centre

aidan was due to officially arrive on 6 april 2014. however, as expected, he was early by 10 days, just like his elder siblings. this pregnancy had been, by far, the most challenging of the three kids. i was already showing a bump very early in the pregnancy; suffering from back aches and generally other aches & pains associated with weight gain. the weeks before aidan came, i was missing work every couple of days until eventually, the doctor agreed to give me an extended medical leave up to the delivery. i was on medical leave for a total of 12 consecutive working days.

unlike his abang and kakak, aidan arrived mid-week. thankfully though, it wasn’t in the middle of the night or during peak traffic hours.

at 8:45am on the day of his arrival, i discovered blood after using the toilet. before that, as i was getting up from bed i was thinking “aiyo, when is this baby coming out?”. luckily, the husband hadn’t left for work yet.

so, while i showered, the husband got me some wantan mee ;p. after breakfast, i took some pictures with the kids before we headed to the hospital at 10:30am.

we arrived at the emergency room at 11:20am and i was promptly deposited into a wheelchair… they wouldn’t let me walk although i told them that i could.  at 11:43am, i was only 4cm dilated so the doctor broke my water bag to hurry me along. by 2:15pm i was ONLY 5cm dilated… so lambat. so they decided to accelerate the process by giving me some drips (not sure what drip this is but it’s to induce labor) at 4pm. despite the drips, i was still able to deal with the pain which basically meant that the process was still going slow, and thus, the pain was still bearable.

because it was taking so long, they decided to increase the dosage of whatever drip it was that i was on. after that, wahhhh… the pain… the painnnnnn…

somewhere along the line i was given a pethidine jab AND the oxygen mask for pain management. all these were supposed to just help me relax but not take away the intensity of the pain, when it came. and boy, did it come. it felt like i had to “run” away from the pain… so i was thrashing on the bed; sucking in oxygen in a most un-ladylike manner; chest heaving in and out, in and out; drooling all over the oxygen mask; crying; praying to Mother Mary; moaning; groaning; asking the nurses WHY we women choose to go through this; grabbing & punching (once) the husband; blubbering on & on about how i should’ve opted for a c-section; asking if it was too late to have one.

at 5:25pm, it was time to push, and i was screaming in pain. literally screaming. i believe i also said “aidannnn commmmme ouuuuuuttttt!!!!”. baby finally came out at 5:36pm.

when the doctor said he was 3.4kg, it finally made sense to me why i was in so much pain during the pregnancy and delivery.

the nurses took aidan out of the room to tag him and run some tests (i think). i could hear him screaming from inside the room and doctor commented that he would probably be able to sing like daddy. while doctor was stitching me up, she told me that she had to cut me because of the way i was screaming.

moments later, they came back with aidan and placed him on my chest. aiyo so cute… and the love was just… there… as if this child has been with me all along.

surprisingly, i wasn’t too tired and didn’t sleep much until the night. i could even entertain guests (with lip gloss on ya ;p). ethan and ava came for a visit that night and were happy to see their little brother.

this time around, the husband stayed on in the hospital too. aidan was hungry and nursed during the night. ethan didn’t drink at all during the hospital stay. ava nursed more than ethan but not as often as aidan.

we stayed in the hospital for just one night. the next day, i was able to get up & use the bathroom a couple of times and was even able to shower on my own.

when we got home, the maid came down with the 2 kids to welcome us. i am pleasantly surprised that both ethan and ava took to aidan so well. no major jealousy-induced tantrums. ethan didn’t seem too bothered by his baby brother, often doing his own things and occasionally checking up on aidan. ava on the other hand, was the perfect big sister. always affectionately stroking his face and giving him a peck. i do feel that, despite not being jealous, ava misses me. sometimes she’ll wait for me to put aidan down for a nap before she sidles up to sit on my lap for some attention. kesiannn…

in the first few weeks, aidan was hungry almost every hour of the day. he gained weight so fast and really looked like a bola. at 1mo, he was wearing 3mo-sized clothes. at 2mo, he was already wearing 6mo sizes. so new clothes were needed quite fast.

breastfeeding is easier this time around but it’s still a mix between breast milk and formula feeding. my milk supply is still going strong although I have begun weaning him off now that he’s 7mo.

unfortunately, aidan got sick a couple of times and had to be admitted to the hospital twice. Once for bronchiolitis in sept 2014 and once for an acute eye infection leading to high fever in nov 2014. poor guy. still, he was and is in good spirits and i hope we won’t be faced with too many more visits to the hospital.

so there you go, the arrival of my last child.

christmas is fast approaching and we’re all very excited to get to the decorations and gift wrapping. till the next entry! hopefully not too far off from now.

lamentations

it's a monday.

i am feeling the monday blues... or is it the pregnancy bleughhsss...

i am now 24 weeks pregnant, more than half the journey completed. baby is doing good. we still havent decided on his name, though ethan has already been introducing baby to everyone. it's supposed to be a surprise but it's quite cute to hear him telling everyone (who asks) convincingly.

i feel fat. i feel much bigger than i was with ethan & ava at this point of the pregnancy. i havent done my yoga in a month, & i'm not sure if i will pick it up again seeing as i'm heavier & lazier. i'm 56.5 kgs at 24 weeks. which means i've gained about 8.5kg from my pre-pregnancy weight. if this trend continues, i'll gain another 5-6kgs by the time i reach the end. which means i'll be about 62 to 63kgs when i reach 40 weeks. 40 weeks is just 16 more weeks to go. not too long --4 months more.

on a positive note, i bought my christmas dress for cheap (as per my normal practice ahemm...). on a negative note, i'm not convinced that i will look gorges in it. i also bought my christmas shoes.

i should at least work on toning my arms i think. that way i'll not look too shabby. if only i could find the willpower.

sigh.

a special note for the little one

my youngest child,

your arrival will complete our little family.

i pray that you are blessed with good health + strength.

that while you’re in me, you’ll ignore my flaws, absorb my virtues.

may your life be graced with God’s many blessings.

may you be surrounded by good people + strong examples.

may you grow into a noble person;

fair + just + respectful to all, regardless of their circumstance.

remember that life has lessons to offer,

and no matter how bad, there’s always good in there.

may you always be close with your family,

+ come to us for comfort + tradition.

i hope that i’ll parent you well.

but if i stumble along the way, try not to judge me too harshly;

i too am learning life’s lessons.

i love you my child.

i’ll see you soon.

love, mom.

another boy in the family

yes, we've checked and yes, it's another boy for me.

during the check up (about 2 weeks ago), while i was lying down getting my tummy scanned, i noticed ava's expression changed. i thought she was having a poo-poo moment but quickly realized that it was jealousy.

i'm not sure if she was jealous cos the doctor was with me (she gets that way when her daddy sits too close to me) or if she realised we were checking baby out. in any case, after some cuddles, she was fine again.

other news, i bought myself a treadmill. in anticipation of the confinement period. my husband laughed but now he's getting excited about actually using it. of course he wasnt too pleased with my color choice --pink. but we're only using it indoors mah! i got the treadmill for cheap (only RM205) on groupon. since i'm not certain whether i'll ever ever ever use it, cos i have a history of not seeing through my exercise regimes, i figured buying a cheap one will lesson the sakit hati-ness of purchasing something and not using it. my intentions were noble ok --to have something for exercise, that doesnt take up too much space, thats not too expensive. so i hit all 3 objectives. now, lets see if i hit the MOTHER objective i.e. to actually exercise.

however, i would like to announce that i have been doing pregnancy yoga. well, i started yoga just before i found out i was pregnant, and after that, decided to carry on with it. of course, i hardly did any in the first trimester due to the nausea and fatigue. but as soon as i hit the second trimester, i began feeling better immediately and picked yoga up again. i'm still far from being consistent in my practices but i average about 2 times a week, now. which is much much much better than while i was pregnant with the first 2 kiddos.

i have to admit, i feel better. i ALSO have to admit that, perhaps because i am older now, i am a bit more worried about weight gain and looking like a blimp with this pregnancy, and thats probably the motivation behind doing the yoga and getting the treadmill. that and the fact that i began showing my pregnancy bump much earlier so much so that i cant fit into my regular clothes much earlier than expected.

keeping my fingers crossed that everything will go well for this pregnancy and that i will continue with some exercise (no matter how minimal).

Hello.

It’s been some time. Quite a long some time since I’ve posted anything here.

I have 2 blogs, and the initial intention was to keep family-type entries separate from other-type entries. In hindsight (and with much confusion as to which blog should be updated, when), there’s really no point in having 2 blogs since life, is life, and everything is intermeshed into one anyhow. So, I’m probably just updating one blog from hereon (and will try to maintain the other, just so past entries are not lost).

So. Some updates since my last entry.

Ethan is now 5yo and attending year 1 of kindergarten in a nearby, rather well-known pre-school franchise, which has good school amenities (as opposed to other pre-schools in the same fee range). Lots of Chinese classmates, with a smattering of Indians and Malays. So he sounds a lot Chinese. I think it’s an alright mix. He started play school when he was 4yo (in 2012) and had an Indian teacher who was lovely. This year, we chose a Chinese teacher for him just to give him a “rounded education”. Perhaps next year, when he’s 6yo, we’ll choose a Malay teacher to prepare him for primary school. He’s doing well and it quite a talkative little boy. Loves everything American Idol (especially Ryan Seacrest, microphones, speakers & stages). At some point, he was a big Tom Jones fan and was able to perform a couple songs (with much panache!) Ethan is still not much of an eater. He doesn’t take anything sweet (other than classic donuts which he calls snow donuts or our make-do, snow toast which he has at home). He is a big fan of spaghetti & pepperoni pizza. Quite the daredevil when it comes to water parks. Hates alligators. He can recite the Our Father, Hail Mary & Glory Be with minimal mistakes – and says his nightly prayers to ward away “bad dreams”. Pretty protective over his little sister but lately has started defending himself as she’s always trying to irritate him.

Ava is now 2yo and is a real mummy’s girl. She’s super touchy-feely and loves to touch my arms while sucking her 2 fingers –her comfort when she’s feeling sleepy. She’s doing great development-wise, excellent motor skills, loves to climb, run, balance, do the downward-facing dog pose, is able to speak & converse pretty well. Oh yes, she can tell jokes. She loves chocolates & sweet drinks, cakes, sweets and is basically like any typical kid who stuff their faces with junk until stopped. Generally, shes got no problems with eating but do have a preference for the junk over the nutritious. Still, shes game for trying out new things (plain yoghurt with honey, all sorts of fruits & juices). She’s quite possessive over me, and cannot see me sitting with daddy or big brother Ethan. She swings between being a princess (loves purple & pink, glitter etc) and being a tomboy (loves jeans, shorts). Ava’s relationship with her father is somewhat funny with her always insisting “I love mummy”, even if the father says “But I love you Ava!”. Like Ethan, Ava too sleeps through the night. Unlike her brother, she never took to the pacifier much, preferring instead her own fingers. Often times, her hands smell icky due to her sucking but I love it. It’s amazing how the horrid smells your own child emits/creates is something that you revel in (yes including their morning breath).

Both the kids get along pretty well with each other. Thanks to Ethan who just loves his sister and wouldn’t allow us to be too hard on her, even if shes naughty and hes getting bullied.

So now we get to the latest news.

We’re expecting Baby No. 3. I am about 14 weeks and am due on 6 Apr 2014 (based on LMP) OR 16 weeks and due on 29 Mar 2014 (based on baby’s development). In short, I’m past my 1st trimester and all the inherent challenges therein. We were definitely trying for a 3rd child, my being 36 this year and wanting to add on to the brood. So we weren’t surprised when the home kit tested positive (well I wasn’t; the husband, on the other hand, fell back on his default reaction: skepticism. tsk tsk). Given my history with early miscarriages, we went full out on the pregnancy support (as prescribed by the gynea) to ensure that the pregnancy is, well, supported. So far so good. 1^st trimester has come and gone and I’m off the support. Baby is doing good and hopefully will continue to be blessed and do well till delivery. We’ll be able to tell the gender at the next check-up (which is about 2 weeks away). ~Let baby be healthy and strong~

Ethan seems to be doing ok with the news and often kisses my tummy saying “Hello Baby!”. However, apparently, he did mention to his cousin “My mummy is having another baby. She doesn’t love me anymore.”

Ava, hmm, I’m not too sure. I don’t think she understand what this means. But when you lay it out clearly, she seems to know how it will affect her. Example:

Me: Ava, you’re gonna have a baby soon! You’re gonna be a “Kakak”.

Ava: Noooo… I not big! I baby!

Plus, everyone keeps talking to me about the middle child syndrome. Sigh. I hope she doesn’t have too hard a time. Ethan had it a bit tough when Ava was born, and he wasn’t even the clingy type. Ava on the other hand, is very attached to me and that seems to have escalated lately (perhaps due to Baby No. 3 coming).

Oh well. Let’s just hope everything and everyone will be ok.

So, there’s my news. Will hopefully be able to post new entries every now and again. Perhaps not as often as before, when I used to have more downtime than my present company. Till then.  

rambles

i am now 56.6kg after 5 weeks after giving birth. thats about 9kgs down. why so slowww...

feel lazy to work out. blech... did some lunges, crunches and squats with the husband the other day. boy did i suffer after that.

i should go for a walk every day. the morning's are the best as thats when the kids are still asleep. however, due to being up for night feeds, thats when i'm also asleep haha... damn, where is my will power?

i cant diet since i'm breastfeeding, so exercise is the only way to get back into shape.

aiyo... give me strength... more importantly, give me discipline...

a little news on ava

shes almost a month old now.

theres something to be said about looking at your newborn's body filling up and knowing that it's all coming from your breast milk. cos this time i'm almost exclusively breastfeeding. thinking back, i feel so sad that i didnt breastfeed ethan more/longer.

she's sleeping on her tummy now. so i can look forward to her having longer naps :).

ava's developments

ava is now 2 weeks + 3 days old. all she does is sleep, drink susu, cry, poo and repeat :)

she has a funny way of crying. like shes angry or feeling hurt or is irritated. it's so cute. it's like a whiny cry. the husband says "dont call my daughter a whiner ok!"

i'm mostly breast feeding but i dont want to be a super hero, so yeah. when i'm super tired, i just tell the nanny to give her formula. i have started expressing my breast milk but i havent been diligently doing it. bad mom.

ava's involuntary smiles are there but not as often as her brother's. she probably doesnt have as much gas as he did haha.

oops. gotta cut this entry short. the big one is asking me for some sayang. better do it before ava gets up.

confinement

it has been a challenging 2 days. my elder one is being a bit of a handful. i suppose its a combination of having a new sibling, being at an age where he is supposed to be a handful and having a mom who's already irritated by lack of sleep. poor guy.

i've been shouting at him for the last 2 days & he has been getting more spanks than he's had in his lifetime. every single time, i feel so guilty. cos the realization that he's not yet 3, that he's just acting his age, that he too has to deal with this new family dynamic, hits me after he's been given a dose of discipline. poor poor guy.

and every night i pray that God makes me a better parent, more patient, more gentle with my children, less cranky with everyone etc...

ava's also in a cranky mood and wants to be carried almost all the time. it's a bad habit to encourage but there you go... i hope everyone settles down soon.

the husband likes to resort to passing ethan to the nanny since she has a way with him. ok. she does. but i hate that someone else has to deal with my kids. even if she is the nanny. and the husband is not at home the whole day so he doesnt see that she too needs a break away from the kids.

so yeah. i REALLY hope everything settles down soon.

and this is already my 3rd week in confinement. i am going crazy. i so need to get out of the house. thankfully, i have a medical check up scheduled for tomorrow and we're taking ethan along. hopefully this will help ease his transition from being an only child to being an older brother.

on top of all this. i am looking at the condition of the apartment and have discovered that i) we need a new paint job desperately, ii) we've got way too many things and need to get rid of some, iii) maybe the apartment is getting too small for everyone and everyone's things.

i so need to get out of the house.

ava elizabeth

hello world.

my name is ava.

i was born on monday, 2 may 2011

weight: 2.84kg

height: 46.0cm

pantai medical centre

ava came into our world 10days ahead of her edd. this we expected. i was feeling all the aches & pains & had taken a week off from work even before i delivered her.

she came on a public holiday. phew. at least we didnt have to worry about traffic. i feel so lucky that for both kids, labor signs came while i was at home.

the night before she came, i had some brown-tinged discharge but i wasnt really sure if it was my deteriorating eye sight or the real deal. the husband had gone out with friends & i didnt want to seem like a wet blanket so i didnt call him back.

however, he was already home when i got up to use the bathroom, felt what i thought was my water bag leaking & saw the blood-tinged discharge at 4am. so i warned him to get some rest cos baby was coming.

while he slept, i quickly got on the computer & sent out my handover notes to my colleagues. i'm not as efficient this time around haha. with that out of the way, i was more mentally prepared to have ava :)

so, morning came & the doctor told me to make my way to the hospital. we left about 1030am & got to the hospital shortly after (since it was a public holiday & there was minimal traffic).

at the hospital, they confirmed that my water bag broke. the contractions were so mild that i wasnt in much pain (at first). at 2pm, they decided to induce me. still the pain didnt come as quickly as when they induced me with ethan. but when it came at about 4-ish pm, BOY, did it come! damn painful. again i took the pethidine jab & later the gas. but labor was so short that the gas didnt get to work its magic on me. i was screaming in pain. next thing i knew, they were prepping me to push. i had enough conscious thought to turn around & look at the clock which read 5.45pm. then the pushing started. again i got irritated with everyone for telling me not to scream but just to push. crazy or what. i was in pain. i had to scream. haha... but of course, i listened & pushed as well. i remember almost telling them "stop asking me to push. why dont you just PULL her outtttttt!!" i was also thinking to myself "omg, when isit gonna endddd??"

finally.

ava came 5 minutes later i.e. at 5.50pm.

she looked blue to me but doctor said that she was fine. well, she was crying so i guess doctor was telling me the truth.

she had a head full of hair. she didnt scream too loudly. the husband got to cut the cord this time around. then they whipped baby off to the nursery for a quick check. she came back to us moments later.

i delivered her at 5.50pm & didnt sleep till probably 2am. the husband went home to keep ethan company so i was by myself with ava in the hospital.

everything went ok. i was able to get up & use the bathroom a couple of times. i remember being so afraid to move after i had ethan. now pro already lah :)

so there you go. the arrival of my long awaited 2nd born.

shes a real cutie pie. ethan didnt take to her well when we got home. in fact he became quite possessive of me. which is something new since he has never been one to cling on to me. but its nice to know he loves me hehe. the poor husband got kicked, slapped & scratched though. for trying to keep ethan away from me & the baby. poor guy. but a week has passed & as i predicted, ethan is doing much better now as a big brother.

breastfeeding is easier this time around & i'm looking forward to fully doing so during my 2 months maternity leave. so wish me luck!

will hopefully be more rajin in updating ava's progress now that shes here.

oh ya. we had a bit of a drama while choosing the name for her.

actually, ava has always been my choice but funnily, i was being very fickle minded during my pregnancy. so, while we were in the hospital, we decided on another name for her. & after i delivered her, the husband even told our families of the chosen name. BUT THENNNN, i changed my mind again & decided to stick to ava. so the husband had to make some calls to retract his announcement hahaha...

but it's ava now. i dont know why i was being fickle when in fact, i was already calling her that while she was in my tummy.

:)

intense dreams come visiting just about right now...

i dreamt i was a spy
i killed 2 fellow spies
cos they tried to kill me
and other friendlier spies were leaving clues for me in bathrooms, at traffic lights, tripping me at hallways so they can pass me clues
felt a bit like charlie's angels hahaha
except i had to kill 2 angels
i killed one with a pencil
she was careless

muahahahaha...

at least i feel entertained when i get up in the morning :)

better than going to the movies...

32 weeks... 8 more weeks to go

cant believe i'm already 32 weeks.

really really cannot believe i still have 8 weeks to go. i'm already feeling unable to cope with the aches & pains. most days i dont feel like coming into the office. so different than my first pregnancy. i dont feel like driving either but i have to.

i'm trying as much as possible to walk about for some exercise. i spent 4 hours walking in ikea this week & came out poorer as well. somehow it's more bearable walking in a mall than walking around a park. at least i get to finish up my shopping for baby.

at our last check up 2 weeks ago, baby looks good. we're now going for check-ups fortnightly, so, we're due for one tomorrow. i wonder what we'll discover this time? doctor says she "looks" like shes got some curls. no surprise there, cos ethan's got wavy hair too. let's see if we can see her lashes.

at my last check-up i was already 59.3kg which was lighter than i expected. thats about 11kg heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. with ethan, i gained 18.5kg by the time i delivered. which means, i have 7kg more to go. as much as i dont want to gain so much weight, i do want the baby to.

as i've probably mentioned in previous entries, i cant fit into my clothes & SHOULD buy more but it's just another 2 months & i feel so sayang to have to buy expensive maternity clothes which i wont wear again (unless we're having a 3rd child which isnt a sure thing yet :p) & i cant seem to get away with wearing normal clothes (as with ethan) cos i'm bigger.

truthfully, i dont think i'm that big. but then the comments i get from friends indicate the contrary. guess i'm in denial. my belly button is disgustingly an outie now. yuck. not is it just a yuck, it's also an ouch. so i wear undies all the way up to tuck in the navel for modesty's sake and for comfort too (friction against my tops are quite painful). a male colleague of mine commented on my outie last week, saying that i'm carrying a boy because the protruding navel is actually baby's penis. ada kah patut...

i've bought most of the essential baby stuff during ethan's time. this time around, i'm just shopping for the disposable & semi-disposable items (clothes). next month's task is to give all playpens, mattresses, pillows, bed linens etc a good wash and dry in the sun.

however, i have a moses basket which doesnt have a mattress/padding, so i'm thinking of buying a kekabu mattress for it. but since kekabu is usually quite natural i.e. it's not processed for hygiene, i'm not sure if it's safe for baby? but then again, as a friend pointed out to me "dulu-dulu pun kita pakai kekabu pillows/mattresses to sleep"... :D let me read up on it some more...

having had a boy for almost 3 years now & learning to appreciate fashion for the masculine gender, it's hard for me to deal with the sheer number of choice for girls hehehe. so i havent bought much in the way of clothes for her. only rompers which are quite unisex looking, arent they? in my mind, i envision my daughter to be vogue instead of girly. in fact, i envision both my kids to be quite vogue hehehe... now let's just hope mummy's got the financials to dress them both as such :)

ethan updates

my first-born is currently learning to speak in phrases & full sentences. here's a preview:

i dovann = i dont want
let's go
i vann = i want
mummy naughty (??)
shu-shu = susu
christmas? = please sing a christmas song mummy
be-dai = please sing the birthday song mummy
mummy work?
my dada = dad
shit down = sit down (while pushing your face or shoulder into the sofa)
in the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen, Peace be With You
please
thank you
welcome
babai
see you later
water (says this very rarely since he hates drinking water)
check = ear thermometer
sheeping = sleeping
wake up
cake
cheese
byead = bread
piyei = play
big / small kitar = big / small guitar
open wight = switch on the light
off = switch off the light
press = press (e.g. press a button)
mushik = music
ohh boootifoolll = oh beautiful
ohh yummy delishes = oh yummy delicious
scared = i'm frightened
painn?? (usually asked in a questioning manner after he has done something for you to say ouch)

cravings

i haven't really had strong cravings for any one particular thing with this pregnancy. it was tom yam in the last pregnancy.

but i do seem to be having fleeting cravings for a variety of things.
here’s a list of recent things so far:

• durians – done (i love this but what to do, makan in small doses only lah)
• ngiu chap (beef balls noodles soup) – attempted to satisfy but haven't found the sabahan style ngiu chap here yet
• bread & butter pudding – done (but it would be nice if i could have the version with rum in it)
• yee char kueh kahwin (with butter & kaya) – done
• fruits – done (but this craving keeps coming back)
• smoothies – the best is dome’s mango fandango concoction. tried to make my own banana smoothie but didn’t turn out too great.
• margaritas – aiyo… drooling for the one served at tgif. tried to satisfy this craving with a limau ais instead but that doesn’t compare :). finally got a virgin margarita in tgif which was just as good as the real thing.
• ipoh chicken hor fun soup in jalan gasing, pj – done (a couple of times, in fact)
• cendol – done

luckily i don’t crave for funny things like sand or detergent or wall paint –yes, you read it right. i have heard of such cravings. i just wonder though, how would a person crave for something they havent had before?

pregnancy sure wreaks havoc on a woman. men should count themselves lucky.

on outsourcing childcare services :(

i am a working parent. like many malaysians, i have a maid.

my maid, with us for 8months now, has been ok so far. & i hope she will continue to be ok for the remainder of her stay here.

i am thankful that she gives out motherly vibes which my son has taken to. & my heart warms to see ethan speak in melodious tones to her. the same melodious tones that he uses when he speaks to us, his parents. why heart-warming? well, recently i've had the opportunity to witness how some kids speak to their maids in such contemptuous tones & i didnt like it.

i know theyre maids but in a world where there's way too much ugly discrimination going on, i'd like to practice a little non-discrimination in my own little world. of course, sometimes i lapse but i do try to try. ok so, in the name of being a little less discriminating, i suppose i should use the term "domestic helper" instead ya :) (or is that equally derogatory?? aiyakk...)

on whether i'm jealous of this bond my son has with my domestic helper, yes, of course. in my mind, i'm constantly in a battle with myself: is this right or is this wrong? & my answers to myself are always moving in a pendulum-like manner: yes its ok. no its just not right for my child to "sayang" someone else.

since indonesia's moratorium on domestic helpers coming in to malaysia, you'll notice how there are so many write-ups on whether we are becoming too dependent on domestic helpers especially for something as personal as childcare.

i speak only for myself, based on the circumstances that i face, yes, i am very dependent on help, especially now. having gone through 2 miscarriages, having help around the house & with my son has been a welcome intrusion in our lives. yes, we sacrifice some privacy. yes, it's a strain on the finances. yes, my son has developed an affection for her.

but this is life. or at least, this is MY life. at least, for now. it's not like i can quit my job & be a full-time stay-at-home-mom. it's not like we'll suddenly get our parents to take care of our kids. & even if ethan starts school, i still have other things to consider.

yes, i do feel guilty that someone else is doing the things that i should be doing for my son. feeding, bathing, putting him down for a nap, comforting him when he's ill, entertaining him, teaching him... yes, believe me, the guilt is there. & i have to face it every day. yes, i feel weirded out when my son hugs her. but then i tell myself to take comfort, that it's better for them to have genuine affection for each other. if theres that bond, then hopefully, she will treat him as her own child & only do what's best for him.

kan? i hope so.

actually ah, i'm not too worried about my son forgetting who his mom is. thats cos, for the first 2 years of his life, we didnt have a domestic helper. it was just the 3 of us & so our bond is quite strong. we can see that ethan knows who his parents are. however, my 2nd one is arriving soon & i hope she wont have problems knowing who her parents are :) since she'll also be bonding equally with a 3rd adult in the home-front.

so, heres to dealing with our lots in life. good luck to you :)

re-visiting classic moments ;p

this is an entry that has been in draft for a while now. enjoy!

we went to church in the morning
ethan shat
so glen went to get his diapers in the car and i was walking around with ethan outside
suddenly he held out one hand full of mud
i thot "what lah this boy go and play with mud"
but he had a funny look on his face
and kept holding his palm up for me to look
then i realised it was shit
THEN
i saw it was on his face
on his neck
hahaha
and he was making funny faces
dunno if it was cos of the smell
or cos he tasted some of it
ewww

~oh heaven help me~

haha
so i dragged him to the bathroom
and he was scared
wanted me to carry
i of course said "no way jose"

i had to walk holding both his wrists
in heels
so we got to the bathroom and i couldnt do much anyways cos glen didnt know where we were
luckily i married a smart man
he found us
and ok lah i had to bathe ethan etc
but no soap
so he still stank of shit
especially his hands
hahaha

well we washed with water
then we wiped with scented wet wipes
then we used the dettol sanitizer

still didnt work

luckily on the way to church i had cut his nails
so the shit didnt get trapped under his nails
but still busuk lah

i keep remembering ethans face
how he looked at me like "save me mama from this shit!!"
hahaha

message to my daughter

hello baby girl,

i can feel you moving around inside my tummy. or as your brother calls it: stomach.

i know i dont talk to you enough. or play you enough music. or worry about you as much.

i am sorry.

i do love you. mama's a bit pre-occupied with a couple of things right now. but i know that sounds like a big fat excuse.

we've got another 3 months to go before we see each other. i promise i'll try, that i won't wait till you're here before i do things with you.

what would you like to do (with me)? do you want me to dance? stand with my belly under the shower so you can get a nice massage? would you rather i not take cold drinks? how about durians? do you want me to listen to more classical music? or would you rather listen to jj & ean's silliness in the mornings? would you prefer that i wear tents rather than the body-hugging clothes i wear now?

i do have a request. mama's only human & one who's hormonally imbalanced at that. so, you know, i dont always have the noblest of thoughts/words/deeds. so, i hope that all the supplements i've been taking for your brain development will help your actions be guided by wisdom. it's very simple really:

see no evil, hear no evil, do no evil.

i'm not saying that i'm evil. but i could be a better person.

it is my constant prayer that you & your brother do not take from us, your parents, the negative traits. in fact, become better than who we are & who we can ever hope to be.

do you know that i can see me in you? well, it looks like you have my lips. i'm not quite sure whether you'll see that as a good or bad thing. back in the day, people didnt associate my full lips with sexy angelina jolie (as they do today ;p). more often than not, i used to get teased for having thick lips. kids can be so cruel.

so my darling daughter, you have a good and cosy time in there. till i see you, take care & know that i love you.

hugs & kisses,
mumsie.

updates at 22 weeks :)

it strikes me as a bit unfair that i was so diligent with my updates for my first pregnancy & not so with my second. feel so guilty. i dont love you any less, my child. in my defence, i'm busy pacifying your brother and preparing him for your arrival. he is super clingy & cranky now. but dont hold it against him. hes just being a little territorial but i'm sure he'll get over it at some point.

i'm not sure if i mentioned this in my last update but we're having a girl :) yippee! i'm gonna have a grand time shopping for clothes.

initially, we were idealistic about not having to spend money for the second one. but after having gone through my box of baby clothes, nope, we're gonna have to get some new stuff for the little girl. firstly, i dont have many newborn sized clothes. secondly, the things i do have are SO VERY MALE. thirdly, i feel a need to buy SOME new things for my daughter so that she knows she's special.

but have you seen how bloody expensive things are out there? geez... i wanted to get at least one gender-appropriate bedding set for her (pink lah tu) but they cost RM400. wth. WTH. madness man. so now, i'm just window-shopping and comparing prices. in fact, i was thinking of buying some material & getting my maid to sew some bedsheets & pillow cases. shouldnt be too much of a problem cos she sewed my tablecloths too.

i went for a check-up recently. everything looks good with baby girl. my doctor even gave me a cd of the 4D scan so i can see her face quite clearly & i can see some movements. so heart warming lah. here's the face of my daughter. i cant tell who she looks like just yet but doctor says that shes got a small mouth --which of course is not inherited from me hehe. i cant wait for the coming check-ups. with ethan, doctor could tell that he had long-ish lashes, high-ish nose & curly hair. how wonderful technology is today.

i am now 53.5kg with only 3.5 months to go. i think i'm gonna be big with this one. i'm certainly eating more than with ethan.

this weekend, i'm gonna work on my list of things to buy :)

hello 2nd trimester

thank you God!

i have passed my 1st trimester without much havoc :) apart from the morning sickness which gratefully came only at night, the fatigue at the end of the day, and the heartburn, everything went alright. we're now into the 2nd trimester and i hope everything will go well too.

we went for a check-up last week and everything looked good. again, little baby was moving his legs and arms every which way. the nuchal scan came out normal --phew. thats 85% confirmation that the baby has no down syndrome (touchwood). so we opted not to go for the blood test.

since everything looks ok, i am now off duphaston yippee! and i only have to see the doctor once a month.

we've been getting ethan used to the idea of having another baby. so every now and then, i'll ask him "ethan, wheres baby?" and he'll point to my tummy "there baby!" so funny... one day we were skyping with my mom and as soon as her face came on the screen ethan went "grandma, there baby!!" while pointing to my tummy :)

so, heres to a healthy 2nd trimester. wish me luck!

a friend's sad news

just heard of a friend's loss. she was about 3-4months pregnant --like me.

so sad.