So it looks like history has repeated itself. At 2 months pregnant, I was informed that the foetus has not developed and in fact, that I was having (yes having at that present moment) a missed miscarriage.
Sigh.
This means that I “missed” the miscarriage i.e. that I didn’t know that I had had one. This is because there was no bleeding experienced. Basically, the pregnancy was still there but the foetus was not alive. So I was given some pills to help begin the bleeding and get the expulsion of the pregnancy on its way.
Sigh.
I’m not as sad as with the first miscarriage but I’m still sad. And worried. How could this happen to me twice? How could it happen to me at all? Did I do something wrong, eat something wrong, drink something wrong? Will it happen again... & again? Is it punishment for my sins? Probably. The gynea says it’s nothing to do with what I did. That it’s usually something wrong with the foetus itself & the body is just ridding itself of something that’s not right. Like quality control. Ok. That comforts me on an intellectual level. But in my heart, I still ask the questions.
Sigh.
So we shall try again next year. I’m sad for the foetus. For both the “lives” that I’ve lost this year. For Catholics abortion is wrong because we believe life begins at the point of conception, not at birth. So I feel sad that these lives ended in me. I’m also sad for Etha*n. I so wanted siblings for him. For him not to feel alone. See I grew up in a family of 6 kids & lots of cousins. I wanted that for him. I wanted him to share baby talk with a brother / sister. To fight. To love. To play.
Sigh.
God forgive me for all my sins. I endeavour to be a good person, a healthy person in body, mind & spirit so that I will be a good root for the life that will come from me, a good home for the life who will live in me for 9 months & later, with me, for at least 30 years (hehehe).
Bless me. Bless me. Bless me.
Sigh.
This means that I “missed” the miscarriage i.e. that I didn’t know that I had had one. This is because there was no bleeding experienced. Basically, the pregnancy was still there but the foetus was not alive. So I was given some pills to help begin the bleeding and get the expulsion of the pregnancy on its way.
Sigh.
I’m not as sad as with the first miscarriage but I’m still sad. And worried. How could this happen to me twice? How could it happen to me at all? Did I do something wrong, eat something wrong, drink something wrong? Will it happen again... & again? Is it punishment for my sins? Probably. The gynea says it’s nothing to do with what I did. That it’s usually something wrong with the foetus itself & the body is just ridding itself of something that’s not right. Like quality control. Ok. That comforts me on an intellectual level. But in my heart, I still ask the questions.
Sigh.
So we shall try again next year. I’m sad for the foetus. For both the “lives” that I’ve lost this year. For Catholics abortion is wrong because we believe life begins at the point of conception, not at birth. So I feel sad that these lives ended in me. I’m also sad for Etha*n. I so wanted siblings for him. For him not to feel alone. See I grew up in a family of 6 kids & lots of cousins. I wanted that for him. I wanted him to share baby talk with a brother / sister. To fight. To love. To play.
Sigh.
God forgive me for all my sins. I endeavour to be a good person, a healthy person in body, mind & spirit so that I will be a good root for the life that will come from me, a good home for the life who will live in me for 9 months & later, with me, for at least 30 years (hehehe).
Bless me. Bless me. Bless me.
No comments:
Post a Comment