etha*n is 9months old

ethan is sporting more teeth now. my worry is that theyre not properly aligned. oh dear. i hope they'll turn out ok. hes beginning to walk around albeit while holding onto his cot/playpen railings. he smiles a lot. sometimes on his own. the books say that its because at this stage babies are amused at their own antics. syok sendiri hor? but so cute lah. he likes to squint his eyes small when he's laughing.

new things: ethan can wave bye-bye and clap his hands when we tell him to. which means that he can understand certain words now e.g. water, bye-bye, clap hands. when i change him out of his tops, i just have to ask him to lift his arms up & i pull the t-shirt off. unlike before, when i had to slide his arms out one by one first.

foodwise, we've started giving him a taste of whatever we're eating. his favorite is pinches of bread or whatever bun or crackers. he's quite good with his porridge now too --maybe because we've started adding some salt for taste. eats them without fuss... err... as long as he has something in his hands to keep him distracted. my usual recipe is, salmon or ikan bilis or chicken with patatoes or carrots or broccoli or cauliflower or pumpkin or spinach.

i'll upload some pictures for your viewing pleasure in the next entry.

i am no longer pregnant :-(

yes, we lost our little one. it goes without saying that we were very sad. of course we can try again. but it doesn’t change the fact that we lost THIS one. we even saw & heard the heartbeat & then it was gone.

21 march – brown discharge. thought my period started a day early.

22 march – period due but didn’t start. hmm…

23 march – 1 day late. pregnancy home test positive :-).

24 march – 2 days late. 2nd pregnancy home test positive :-)).

25 march – announced good news to immediate family. happy happy.

4 april – gynea appointment. confirmed 5weeks+5days pregnant. 2 heart lines formed. no heart beat yet.

5 april – brown discharge. worried sick.

6 april – visit to gynea. heartbeat strong. says the brown discharge is normal in early pregnancies. jab in the bum to stabilize the womb.

7 april – woke up with wet pants. felt something coming out (just like when you have your period). ran to bathroom. big (fist sized) bloody clots came out the whole morning. called gynea. fears i’ve miscarried :-(. bad cramps. visited gynea in the afternoon. confirmed miscarriage. pills to help induce contractions & get rid of remaining clots :-((.

6-10 april – 5 days mc. some days the cramps feel like pregnancy contractions. didn’t have to go for a d&c.

to those who knew & sent me warm messages, thank you. to those who only now know (about both the good & bad news), thank you for your congratulations and condolences (?) if thats whats coming. im ok. a little sad. ok, a lot sad, but watudu. life throws at us so many things. its not like we can say no. so i’ll take what comes (& goes) as they happen. wish me luck next time.

***

my poor baby. although you must’ve been so very, very teeny weeny.

text book says only the size of a poppy seed. but i had you.

& i must’ve started loving you because i cried when i lost you.

& your daddy must’ve felt the same way too.

cos he didn’t go to work for 3 days. 3 days!

& if you had not gone away, you would come to know that missing work is a big no-no for him.

your big brother cried inconsolably in the wee hours of the morning before you went away.

he usually sleeps through the night.

so i guess he knew something was happening & he was crying out in protest.

i wonder whether you would have turned out to be a little sister or a little brother to him.

wherever you are, i love you & i miss you.

yes, even if you gave me a week of nausea & back aches.

bye baby.

your mother.

***

belated good news

this was an entry that i drafted earlier:

i am pregnant (again) :-)

weight : 47kg
vital stats : malas lah
hair : short & colored
LMP : 23 to 28 feb 09
EDD : 30 nov 09 (oooh, confinement in dec09 & jan10)
physical symptoms : bloated tummy, sore boobs, constipation (a real killer this)

yes we are expecting baby no. 2. etha*n is only 8.5mths old. when i’m due to deliver in late november, etha*n would be 16months old i.e. hes 16 months older to his little sibling. was it planned or was it oops? well, that’s a question to answer. a couple of months after etha*n, i was already badgering for another. why? because i felt etha*n was growing up too fast & i started feeling like oh-how-nice-to-have-another-soon. but i was also alternating with feelings of guilt towards etha*n. i just felt that i should spend more time with him before we have a 2nd child. but of course, seeing as i’m already in my 30s, its not like i can delay it for too long. so yeah, we wanted to have the 2nd one soon after etha*n but we’re both worried that etha*n didn’t have enough time with us. which is a stupid thing really. theres more than enough love to go around mah. the husband even said: make sure we treat them equally ok! yes sirree…

my period is very on the dot so when i was late by just a day, i had already rushed to get the pregnancy home test kit & tested myself immediately. the husband as usual, was very cynical, just like the first time. i dunno why he couldn’t understand that for a person who is hardly ever late, being late is an indicator of something, anything. this is called, knowing thine own body well. harumppff.

so, i took the test & it was positive. tadaaa…

i gotta take a picture of my tummy albeit a bit stretch-marky.

this time around, my mood swings are really bad. i am so short tempered and bitchy –it’s not funny at all. i don’t know whether its ONLY because of the pregnancy or could it be because i’m cranky for not having etha*n with me and because i’m tired from having to drive the Kepong-PJ-Puchong-KL-Kepong route everyday? i wonder if it’s a girl? my SIL told me that if i was in a mellow mood for my first pregnancy & i had a boy, then if i’m not in a mellow mood in the 2nd pregnancy then i might be having a girl? ada logic kah? whatever lah. right now, i just feel so tired & moody & short-tempered. the husband is not making things easy either cos he doesn’t seem as attentive as with the first pregnancy. i think some men look at it as “well she went through the first one, surely she can do this on her own now”. and yes, i can. but its just nice to have someone to lean on, to listen to my list of complaints (oh im tired/my boobs hurt/i feel so weepy). also, the thing that men should realize is this: just because we’ve gone through it before doesn’t make the next time easier especially as we have to deal with this pregnancy & all its many joys together WITH having to deal with the first 1 or 2 or 3 children isn’t it. have a heart men!! & more importantly, have a head!!

i’m only 5 weeks pregnant now. we’ve only told a handful of people because of the first-trimester-higher-risk thingy but that has slowly ballooned to more people. i don’t really want to treat it like a state secret lah & as it is i don’t feel right if i denied it. it is good news & he/she is a gift of God so i should be sharing my good news isn’t it? so yeah, i’ve decided to post this entry anyways. but maybe AFTER my check-up this weekend yer.