intense dreams come visiting just about right now...

i dreamt i was a spy
i killed 2 fellow spies
cos they tried to kill me
and other friendlier spies were leaving clues for me in bathrooms, at traffic lights, tripping me at hallways so they can pass me clues
felt a bit like charlie's angels hahaha
except i had to kill 2 angels
i killed one with a pencil
she was careless

muahahahaha...

at least i feel entertained when i get up in the morning :)

better than going to the movies...

32 weeks... 8 more weeks to go

cant believe i'm already 32 weeks.

really really cannot believe i still have 8 weeks to go. i'm already feeling unable to cope with the aches & pains. most days i dont feel like coming into the office. so different than my first pregnancy. i dont feel like driving either but i have to.

i'm trying as much as possible to walk about for some exercise. i spent 4 hours walking in ikea this week & came out poorer as well. somehow it's more bearable walking in a mall than walking around a park. at least i get to finish up my shopping for baby.

at our last check up 2 weeks ago, baby looks good. we're now going for check-ups fortnightly, so, we're due for one tomorrow. i wonder what we'll discover this time? doctor says she "looks" like shes got some curls. no surprise there, cos ethan's got wavy hair too. let's see if we can see her lashes.

at my last check-up i was already 59.3kg which was lighter than i expected. thats about 11kg heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. with ethan, i gained 18.5kg by the time i delivered. which means, i have 7kg more to go. as much as i dont want to gain so much weight, i do want the baby to.

as i've probably mentioned in previous entries, i cant fit into my clothes & SHOULD buy more but it's just another 2 months & i feel so sayang to have to buy expensive maternity clothes which i wont wear again (unless we're having a 3rd child which isnt a sure thing yet :p) & i cant seem to get away with wearing normal clothes (as with ethan) cos i'm bigger.

truthfully, i dont think i'm that big. but then the comments i get from friends indicate the contrary. guess i'm in denial. my belly button is disgustingly an outie now. yuck. not is it just a yuck, it's also an ouch. so i wear undies all the way up to tuck in the navel for modesty's sake and for comfort too (friction against my tops are quite painful). a male colleague of mine commented on my outie last week, saying that i'm carrying a boy because the protruding navel is actually baby's penis. ada kah patut...

i've bought most of the essential baby stuff during ethan's time. this time around, i'm just shopping for the disposable & semi-disposable items (clothes). next month's task is to give all playpens, mattresses, pillows, bed linens etc a good wash and dry in the sun.

however, i have a moses basket which doesnt have a mattress/padding, so i'm thinking of buying a kekabu mattress for it. but since kekabu is usually quite natural i.e. it's not processed for hygiene, i'm not sure if it's safe for baby? but then again, as a friend pointed out to me "dulu-dulu pun kita pakai kekabu pillows/mattresses to sleep"... :D let me read up on it some more...

having had a boy for almost 3 years now & learning to appreciate fashion for the masculine gender, it's hard for me to deal with the sheer number of choice for girls hehehe. so i havent bought much in the way of clothes for her. only rompers which are quite unisex looking, arent they? in my mind, i envision my daughter to be vogue instead of girly. in fact, i envision both my kids to be quite vogue hehehe... now let's just hope mummy's got the financials to dress them both as such :)

ethan updates

my first-born is currently learning to speak in phrases & full sentences. here's a preview:

i dovann = i dont want
let's go
i vann = i want
mummy naughty (??)
shu-shu = susu
christmas? = please sing a christmas song mummy
be-dai = please sing the birthday song mummy
mummy work?
my dada = dad
shit down = sit down (while pushing your face or shoulder into the sofa)
in the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen, Peace be With You
please
thank you
welcome
babai
see you later
water (says this very rarely since he hates drinking water)
check = ear thermometer
sheeping = sleeping
wake up
cake
cheese
byead = bread
piyei = play
big / small kitar = big / small guitar
open wight = switch on the light
off = switch off the light
press = press (e.g. press a button)
mushik = music
ohh boootifoolll = oh beautiful
ohh yummy delishes = oh yummy delicious
scared = i'm frightened
painn?? (usually asked in a questioning manner after he has done something for you to say ouch)

cravings

i haven't really had strong cravings for any one particular thing with this pregnancy. it was tom yam in the last pregnancy.

but i do seem to be having fleeting cravings for a variety of things.
here’s a list of recent things so far:

• durians – done (i love this but what to do, makan in small doses only lah)
• ngiu chap (beef balls noodles soup) – attempted to satisfy but haven't found the sabahan style ngiu chap here yet
• bread & butter pudding – done (but it would be nice if i could have the version with rum in it)
• yee char kueh kahwin (with butter & kaya) – done
• fruits – done (but this craving keeps coming back)
• smoothies – the best is dome’s mango fandango concoction. tried to make my own banana smoothie but didn’t turn out too great.
• margaritas – aiyo… drooling for the one served at tgif. tried to satisfy this craving with a limau ais instead but that doesn’t compare :). finally got a virgin margarita in tgif which was just as good as the real thing.
• ipoh chicken hor fun soup in jalan gasing, pj – done (a couple of times, in fact)
• cendol – done

luckily i don’t crave for funny things like sand or detergent or wall paint –yes, you read it right. i have heard of such cravings. i just wonder though, how would a person crave for something they havent had before?

pregnancy sure wreaks havoc on a woman. men should count themselves lucky.

on outsourcing childcare services :(

i am a working parent. like many malaysians, i have a maid.

my maid, with us for 8months now, has been ok so far. & i hope she will continue to be ok for the remainder of her stay here.

i am thankful that she gives out motherly vibes which my son has taken to. & my heart warms to see ethan speak in melodious tones to her. the same melodious tones that he uses when he speaks to us, his parents. why heart-warming? well, recently i've had the opportunity to witness how some kids speak to their maids in such contemptuous tones & i didnt like it.

i know theyre maids but in a world where there's way too much ugly discrimination going on, i'd like to practice a little non-discrimination in my own little world. of course, sometimes i lapse but i do try to try. ok so, in the name of being a little less discriminating, i suppose i should use the term "domestic helper" instead ya :) (or is that equally derogatory?? aiyakk...)

on whether i'm jealous of this bond my son has with my domestic helper, yes, of course. in my mind, i'm constantly in a battle with myself: is this right or is this wrong? & my answers to myself are always moving in a pendulum-like manner: yes its ok. no its just not right for my child to "sayang" someone else.

since indonesia's moratorium on domestic helpers coming in to malaysia, you'll notice how there are so many write-ups on whether we are becoming too dependent on domestic helpers especially for something as personal as childcare.

i speak only for myself, based on the circumstances that i face, yes, i am very dependent on help, especially now. having gone through 2 miscarriages, having help around the house & with my son has been a welcome intrusion in our lives. yes, we sacrifice some privacy. yes, it's a strain on the finances. yes, my son has developed an affection for her.

but this is life. or at least, this is MY life. at least, for now. it's not like i can quit my job & be a full-time stay-at-home-mom. it's not like we'll suddenly get our parents to take care of our kids. & even if ethan starts school, i still have other things to consider.

yes, i do feel guilty that someone else is doing the things that i should be doing for my son. feeding, bathing, putting him down for a nap, comforting him when he's ill, entertaining him, teaching him... yes, believe me, the guilt is there. & i have to face it every day. yes, i feel weirded out when my son hugs her. but then i tell myself to take comfort, that it's better for them to have genuine affection for each other. if theres that bond, then hopefully, she will treat him as her own child & only do what's best for him.

kan? i hope so.

actually ah, i'm not too worried about my son forgetting who his mom is. thats cos, for the first 2 years of his life, we didnt have a domestic helper. it was just the 3 of us & so our bond is quite strong. we can see that ethan knows who his parents are. however, my 2nd one is arriving soon & i hope she wont have problems knowing who her parents are :) since she'll also be bonding equally with a 3rd adult in the home-front.

so, heres to dealing with our lots in life. good luck to you :)

re-visiting classic moments ;p

this is an entry that has been in draft for a while now. enjoy!

we went to church in the morning
ethan shat
so glen went to get his diapers in the car and i was walking around with ethan outside
suddenly he held out one hand full of mud
i thot "what lah this boy go and play with mud"
but he had a funny look on his face
and kept holding his palm up for me to look
then i realised it was shit
THEN
i saw it was on his face
on his neck
hahaha
and he was making funny faces
dunno if it was cos of the smell
or cos he tasted some of it
ewww

~oh heaven help me~

haha
so i dragged him to the bathroom
and he was scared
wanted me to carry
i of course said "no way jose"

i had to walk holding both his wrists
in heels
so we got to the bathroom and i couldnt do much anyways cos glen didnt know where we were
luckily i married a smart man
he found us
and ok lah i had to bathe ethan etc
but no soap
so he still stank of shit
especially his hands
hahaha

well we washed with water
then we wiped with scented wet wipes
then we used the dettol sanitizer

still didnt work

luckily on the way to church i had cut his nails
so the shit didnt get trapped under his nails
but still busuk lah

i keep remembering ethans face
how he looked at me like "save me mama from this shit!!"
hahaha

message to my daughter

hello baby girl,

i can feel you moving around inside my tummy. or as your brother calls it: stomach.

i know i dont talk to you enough. or play you enough music. or worry about you as much.

i am sorry.

i do love you. mama's a bit pre-occupied with a couple of things right now. but i know that sounds like a big fat excuse.

we've got another 3 months to go before we see each other. i promise i'll try, that i won't wait till you're here before i do things with you.

what would you like to do (with me)? do you want me to dance? stand with my belly under the shower so you can get a nice massage? would you rather i not take cold drinks? how about durians? do you want me to listen to more classical music? or would you rather listen to jj & ean's silliness in the mornings? would you prefer that i wear tents rather than the body-hugging clothes i wear now?

i do have a request. mama's only human & one who's hormonally imbalanced at that. so, you know, i dont always have the noblest of thoughts/words/deeds. so, i hope that all the supplements i've been taking for your brain development will help your actions be guided by wisdom. it's very simple really:

see no evil, hear no evil, do no evil.

i'm not saying that i'm evil. but i could be a better person.

it is my constant prayer that you & your brother do not take from us, your parents, the negative traits. in fact, become better than who we are & who we can ever hope to be.

do you know that i can see me in you? well, it looks like you have my lips. i'm not quite sure whether you'll see that as a good or bad thing. back in the day, people didnt associate my full lips with sexy angelina jolie (as they do today ;p). more often than not, i used to get teased for having thick lips. kids can be so cruel.

so my darling daughter, you have a good and cosy time in there. till i see you, take care & know that i love you.

hugs & kisses,
mumsie.