gedempol

@ 4.5 months or thereabouts

greetings from blub

@ nearly 6 months

pregnancy-related emotions??

why do i keep feeling like i don’t belong? or that i’m doing something wrong? these feelings are occurring frequently and it leaves me feeling a little despondent & i don’t even know why. is this what they call prenatal depression? could it be due to hormonal changes? i really don’t like these feelings. while i have them, i am consciously telling myself not to entertain such things too much. i’m afraid that i’m predisposed to post-natal depression. waaaaaaa!! i dowannnnn!!

it may not be depression after all. hehe… but i do have these disturbing feelings. can’t really explain them. its more of a feeling of emotional discomfort. i’m afraid that i wont feel comfortable as a mom. how will life change? there’ll be this little person who’ll be fully dependent on me –will i bond? don’t get me wrong. i’m looking forward to having the little tyke. i’m just anxious over everything: my parental abilities. my relationship with the baby. my relationship with the husband. my growing tummy. my rounding face. itchy skin. sleeping positions. money. my appetite. my yearning to be around my family (i.e. not my in-laws). baby-sitters. the baby bonding with my in-laws more than with my own family. eating crabs. drinking coffee.

what a worry-wart.

i have entered month 5

well, 5.5 months now. and i think i’m gonna be a huge momma. as the morning sickness has dissipated, so has the appetite appeared. things that i didnt particularly enjoy pre-pregnancy (e.g. sweets things) seem to have made their way into my mind and my heart and ultimately into my mouth. lucky for me i’m not in pigging-out mode… yet. lucky for me that one serving of each craving has been enough to sate the said cravings. these are the things that i’ve been craving for in the last 2 weeks:

- vanilla & lime or vanilla & chocolate ice-creams (1 small tub in 1 sitting last week)
- peanut butter and kaya waffles (1 last week)
- milo ice (2 big glasses on saturday)
- apple pie & ice cream (still haven’t had this yet)
- seven up / sprite (at least 1 can per week)
- tau foo fah (just had one last weekend)

we went for another check-up earlier this month & my weight went up by the expected 2kgs. i took a pregnancy weight gain estimator & found that i’ll probably weigh in at an additional 34lbs (15.5kg) i.e. i will be 134lbs (61kg) by the end of my pregnancy. fattybombom lah me hor.

everything is a-ok with the baby. the doctor even gave us a cd of pictures & short videos. so we can see the baby move. cool lah the technology these days. not that i can tell heads-or-tails of the videos/pictures she gave us. the baby’s moving about but i didnt feel anything from week 16 to 20. you’re supposed to start feeling the baby’s movements between week 16 and 20. maybe due to being busy at work. too busy to pay attention to what’s happening to my body. well, they’re slight movements anyways; not wrestling-style movements so if you’re not paying attention, you probably wont realize it’s the baby. i just thought i was releasing gas internally. and yes yes, i have finally been able to feel the baby move - when i entered week 21. yays. it really does feel like bubbles in your tummy. blub-blub-blub. makes me laugh lah actually cos its as though i kentut inside my tummy liedat. i think i shall call the baby “blub” for now.

we haven’t decided on a name yet. it’s more complicated to choose boy names than girl names, i think. & besides, the husband’s preferences are my dislikes. how ah? here are the names that i like:

adam/alexander/

christian/cole/

dylan/

ethan/elijah/emmanuel

isaac/

jacob/joshua/

lucas/logan/

noah/noel

ryan

i had to shop for more clothes & since i didn’t want to go to maternity-wear shops (cos their clothes are rather pricey and none-too-vogue) i went to niichi at the curve instead. hehehehe… and i got 6 items for rm350. it was a good buy i thought –but the husband said “take it easy.” men… they just don’t understand. however, my pride got a bit bruised –i had to choose the L and XL sizes. i can still fit into S size (cos they’re stretchables mah) but very tight. M was just nice. so since i have to leave some room for growth, L and XL it was. sobs… my boobs are hurting again. i think i might need to get some new bras too.

i’m 22 weeks now. so fast. another 4 months to go till i pop. the cellulites are attacking too. the husband & i, our favorite activity to do these days is to jiggle our thighs –to see whose is more well… jiggly. of course mine are jello-like lah. he got fit thighs. damn him. i keep telling the baby he’s making me fat. he make dunno only. can his silence be taken as an indication of things to come?? will he stare into space when i nag?? hmm…

i wish i was taller. then maybe i wont look so much like a blimp. actually i don’t look like a blimp lah. just felt like exaggerating. but i could be a blimp you know, if the cravings get out of control. but the boobs are really making me look preggers man. i don’t mind the tummy so much. i hope the baby will take to breast milk. help me get back into my old bra size. but not too much lah. takut-takut shrivel up pulak haha.

window shopping in my mind

i’ve started thinking about the things i should be buying in preparation for mr. prince’s arrival. i’ve so far gotten loads of hand-me-down clothes from my sil’s 4-year old son (he has a lot of branded shoes for a young kid). she has a month-old daughter right now too so it’s good timing for us as her daughter would’ve grown out of some important (read pricey) things by the time mr. prince is ready to take over. shes already promised to pass me the baby carrier, baby bouncer, bottle steamer & car seat. hehehe… sorted.

i’ve already asked my sister in australia to check-out the price of an electrical breast pump as well as a christening gown for the baby. well, the sil gave me her son’s un-used christening attire from 4 years ago –it’s kinda big. so i already have one just in case. however, as for the breast pump, does anyone know whether malaysia and australia is so different in terms of electrical appliances punya voltage requirements?

one thing that i’ve been hearing a lot lately (from the sil) is that it’s a shame that she can’t pass her daughter’s pink stuff to me cos we’re having a boy. well, i guess it’s ok for a boy to wear pink. after all, pakai sekejap je kan –he’ll grow out of it in a blink. as long as its not a dress right? but then again… that could be my project on a rainy day: dressing up the prince as a princess. hardy har har…

so anyways, heres my wishlist (& it’s rather long… horror!):

furnishings

• baby cot / play pen
• mattress
• bedding linens (bedsheets, light blankets)

traveling essentials

• car seat (with compliments)
• pram / stroller
• baby carrier (with compliments)
• baby sling (i found one at rm85)
• diaper bag (i want a vogue one, can ah??)

feeding essentials

• milk bottles (how many will depend on how much milk i can generate & freeze. if not, maybe only 3-4)
• thermos
• water tumbler
• tiered milk dispenser (good for traveling & night feeds)
• breast pump (preferably electrical – either from my sis in australia or i can pinjam from someone here)

bathing / changing essentials

• baby bath-tub
• sitting stool
• bath towel
• face towels (for feeding leaks)
• cotton balls / wet wipes
• disposable diapers
• changing mat
• baby nappy cream
• powder
• lotion
• body wash / soap
• shampoo

cleaning essentials

• bottle steamer (with compliments)
• milk bottle brush
• washing liquid for baby bottles (one sis used vegetable-based, another sis used sunlight je hihihi)
• baby detergent (for clothes)

miscellaneous

• pacifier (already have this one)
• clothes (caps, bibs, mittens & booties etc)
  ear thermometer (just in case)
• night light (so the husband doesn’t bump into things when he gets up to feed his heir)
• plastic storage drawers

quite a lot of things hor? i’m well into my 4th month now so i guess i can start shopping for these slowly. slowly. thank goodness for hand-me-downs. do i have a problem with second hand stuff? well not really. i mean of course some things i want lah brand new like the baby cot and the disposable diapers (duhh) but i suppose i can’t be choosy unless i’m a millionaire (or married to one) right. besides, the baby will probably have out-grown some things after a few months pun.

ok enough about baby. heres my wishlist for myself:

• spa package (to make up for the 9-mth abstinence)
• slimming package (so that i look hot at my brother’s wedding when the baby’s 6mths)
• rocking chair with comfy padding (so i can rock the baby to sleep)
• auto-transmission car (so i can curse at other drivers without distraction)
• free, reliable & close-by baby sitter / nanny (so i don’t fret when i send the baby there at 3mths old)
• nursing bras (ughh)
• breast pads
• grandma panties (cos i’ll be using those big sanitary pads izenit)

the reality of having a boy has only just recently hit me. it came as i was choosing a fuschia colored baby sling for myself. then i realized “oooii, fuschia is such a girl color wor.” oh well, the baby won’t mind so much right. i’ll buy it cos i’m a girl. after all, it has to complement my wardrobe. not the baby’s.

ya right.

unfortunately, i’m wired the same way as the next person. pink is for girls, blue for boys. so i might choose an in-between color. like maybe turquoise… or black. hehehe… i’m an eternal goth, what can i say. well, it won’t look so dirty ma. most of the slings i’ve seen are in light colors (blues, pinks, turquoise) –how impractical is that?? ada lah juga navy blue but if i’m gonna go for navy blue i might as well get black. i wouldn’t mind red either actually. hmmm… i think they also have some in prints. so many choices. tengok-tengok, tak pakai pun this sling due to back aches. haha.

gripes

- don’t ask me why i'm wearing 1-inch heels in my pregnancy. my pre-pregnancy shoes were all skinny 4-inch heels. i’ve come a long way. & yes, i will be wearing flats as soon as my bonus comes in. unless you want to buy me shoes?

- don’t ask me why i'm not wearing big clothes. i am wearing bigger clothes. but i also don’t wish to look like a fool drowning in fabric.

- don’t sarcastically tell me that the new big clothes i just bought will not fit me for very long & that i should’ve had the sense to buy even bigger sizes. firstly, refer to above. secondly, of course they won’t fit for very long. im pregnant & im growing.

- don’t ask me why i like to wear tight clothes. they’re not tight. they’re stretch-ables & i wouldn’t wear them if they were uncomfortable. i want to rejoice in my pregnancy. not hide it under a tent. if you look at me & feel uncomfortable, you go wear a tent.

- don’t smoke in front of me. im pregnant. please be courteously considerate.

- don’t tell me i can’t exercise. the doctor says its encouraged and she knows better than you, you medical school drop-out.

- don’t think that your claim as a grandparent over-rides my claim as a parent. the “grand” doesn’t make you greater. it just means that my son will have the joy of knowing all his grandparents. not have three sets of parents.

- don’t insist again & again that it’s a girl (although even if it was, i wouldn’t mind). the doctor with all her new scientific scanning technology is a safer bet than your naked-eye-gauge of the shape of my tummy.

- don’t pick on the pregnant lady. she might not be very lady-like after that.

- don’t ask me why i'm still driving myself to work. do you think my husband doesn’t work & can play chauffeur to me all day ah? as it is the poor soul has to take public transport to work.

- don’t ask me why i'm already showing in my 4th month. i don’t know. do you know your body so well? can you control your growth?

- don’t tell me “you’re so big lahhh!!” or call me “hey fatty”. it so does not make sense especially as i’m still smaller than you and i’m the pregnant one. besides, i’m supposed to be bigger. who expects pregnant women to have a flat tummy? you dum-dum. you rude dum-dum.

- don’t ask me if im still eating maggi mee. of course i am. what am i? perfect? i'm just not eating it as often as i used to.

- don’t keep asking me if i'm hungry. i'm not. & if i were, i’ll eat. trust me enough not to starve myself or my child.

- don’t keep saying i have to eat for two now (read excerpts below) just because you think pregnant women should be big. my tummy is growing & i am already gaining weight. besides, my doctor says more weight will be gained by the 3rd trimester.

i. Do I really need to "eat for two?"
While you are pregnant, you will need additional nutrients to keep you and your baby healthy. But, that does not mean you need to eat twice as much. You should only eat an extra 300 calories per day. A baked potato has 120 calories. So getting these extra 300 calories doesn't take a lot of food.

ii. During pregnancy, it is not necessary to eat for two. It is only necessary for you to eat enough food rich in nutrient that will help your baby to grow and also more calories than you before you became pregnant for it will really help to meet the needs of your baby most especially in growth.

okie dokie? comprende??

as the deer pants for the water
so my soul thirsts after you
you alone are my heart’s desire
and i long to be with you

you alone are my strength my shield
to you alone does my spirit yield
you alone are my heart’s desire
and i long to be with you

you’re my son and you are my pleasure
even though your dad's my king
i love you more than any other
even more than anything

jiwang

my prince,

i hope i'll be a good mother.
please do as i say (& not as i do).
be a better person than i ever will be.
don't hate me too much in your teens.
come to me with your troubles.
be kind to me if i handle them carelessly.
& forgive me.
take from me only the good.
help me be a better person than who i was before you.
grow healthy & strong that i might be there for you.
your first breath.
your first step.
your first love.
& yes, your first heartbreak.

love,
the queen.