the discomfort continues

heartburn o' heartburn, please go away... you are making me so very sick...

another pregnancy by-product has made an appearance --tummy rashes... very the uncomfortable... so yeah, i've started slathering on the moisturisers.

yesterday, i almost blacked out while waiting in queue at jaya jusco supermarket. so scary ok... i felt some cramping, then suddenly it felt like blood was rushing up to my ears. everything around became a bit distant and i was in a state of panic cos the husband was nowhere to be seen and i desperately wanted to sit down. luckily (or in the husband's own words: "like an angel"), he appeared to save me. hehehe... so without shame i just went to an empty cashier counter and sat on a chair for a couple of minutes. this age thing ah... really troublesome. i didnt have all this with ethan, you know, when i was younger.

another unpleasant thing is that ethan has become super-duper cranky and temper-full. aiyo... cannot tahan man. so irritating even tho i love him to bits. according to my mil and to my maid, it's because he senses that i'm pregnant and wants my attention. probably. altho he's never been one to look for my attention (maybe cos im always available) but more of the father's attention. so, i'm trying to be patient with him.

other than that, the pregnancy is going ok. i thought i felt some kicks but i'm only 3 months so maybe it's just my imagination. however, i think i read somewhere that women usually feel the kicks earlier in their subsequent pregnancies. not sure if it can be as early as 3 months tho.

so now, we're more forthcoming in our news to the rest of the world since we've reached the end of the 1st trimester. praying that the 2nd trimester will be good too.

baby sitting woes

allow me to bitch about my mil’s maid

my mil has a bloody demanding maid. arggghhh!! this maid is supposed to take care of blub when he turns about 3 months. its already been agreed that we will pay her an extra rm150 on top of her current gaji of rm450. the rm150 was actually paid to her earlier when she was taking care of another cucu. in the last 4 months, although she no longer takes care of that particular cucu, my mil has continued to pay her the rm150 based on the agreement that she will take care of blub later. so kira bonus lah for the maid right? not taking care of anyone but still getting the rm150 for the last 4 months.

well, guess what? little miss maid has decided to balloon her head up & demand for an additional rm200 to take care of the baby. that’s rm200 on top of the rm150 that shes been getting.

wtf right.

in total, she will be paid rm800 with the breakdown as follows:

- rm350 initial pay (she came into malaysia 5yrs ago)
- rm150 babysitting gaji for taking care of cucu #1
- rm100 a pay raise from my mil when miss maid’s employment contract was extended for a year (june08 to june09)
- rm200 babysitting gaji for taking care of blub

i am so anger about this. heres why:

i) she came into my mil’s household as a pitiful maid who was treated rather inhumanely by her previous boss. she was thin & boy did she hit the jackpot coming into this home. here, shes allowed many liberties: she can nap, she can chitchat with her boss, allowed to have a hp, to have a day off every now & again etc. & now, well now, shes turned into this big-headed, pijak-kepala-boss kinda maid. argggghhh!!! she can SHOUT at my mil can you believe that? she even has the cheek to scold my mil if she wanted to.

ii) she already agreed to take care of blub for rm150. now shes going back on her word. its not so much our paying her the rm200 as my mil will only ask us to pay THAT rm200 while she herself continues to pay the rm150, IF we agree to paying the maid rm200. so at the end of the day, for us, its just an added rm50 damage to our finances.

iii) she threatened not to look after blub if we don’t pay her the rm200. wtf!!!!!!!!! in other words, its non-negotiable lah right. in her own words “oh kalau macam tu, saya tak mau jaga lah.”

iv) i hate hate hate being forced into paying her just because (a) she asked for it (b) we’re afraid that if we don’t pay her that exact amount i.e. if we manage to negotiate it down to say rm150 (mind you, this is rm150 on top of the previous rm150 ok), then, she might do something to blub.

v) i hate hate hate hate hate thinking that if she has this “i’m in charge” attitude then maybe as parents, we cant even tell her how to take care of our child. you know, basic things like “don’t ever bring my child out of the house without my permission”. & believe you me, she has done this with cucu #1 many times.

other than this rm200-for-blub issue, apparently she has also decided to kira her gaji on a daily basis i.e. she went back to indonesia in december & came back sometime late in the month so she only worked like 3 days in december. come payday in january, she claimed payment for the 3 days of work in december. so berkira or what???

i was so angry that i told the husband that here are my conditions. we will agree to pay her the rm200 but:

i) we will pay her rm200 & not rm150+rm200.
ii) the rm150 stops now because shes not taking care of anyone. the new pay will begin in october (when blub is sent to her).
iii) for the first 4 months of taking care of blub, she will only be paid rm50 because for the last 4 months she has been getting rm150 for nothing.
iv) the rm200 will be pro-rated based on how many days she takes care of blub i.e. in october & december respectively, she will only take care of blub for 2 weeks in each of those months.

inhumane? not really. it just means that in total she will be paid only rm650. isn’t that quite a lot? other maids only get rm500 right? she says shes asking for more because shes taking care also of an 86yr old lady (the husband’s grandma) but then again, when she joined the household, she knew this already. and, the 86yr old grandma is capable of doing almost everything for herself. the maid is just there to keep an eye on her. & ya, maybe listen to her nagging. other than that, shes capable of feeding, bathing, shitting, walking up&down the stairs, even carrying little babies all by herself. she just needs to have someone around with her, but that’s it. and on top of all this, this old lady has other children who she visits on a rotational basis. so in any one month, she may be away for a week or two.

this maid gets to nap every afternoon. she sleeps in the same room with the old lady but it seems like she pulak is the owner of the room. she says she is praying but hello, do you lock the room for AN HOUR to pray ah? that’s five times one hour a day isit? so every day she gets 5hours of prayer time isit? whenever the grandma needs to use the ensuite bathroom, she has to wait for the maid to finish up & unlock the room door. either that or she has to walk up 2 flights of stairs to get to another bathroom. i have many many muslim friends including a muslim sister. firstly, no one has ever needed to pray in a locked room. in fact, as long as i don’t bother them, i can even be in the same room while they pray. secondly, tak pernah pun i dengar people pray for an hour for each prayer time.

this maid also argues that shes been here for 5yrs so she should be getting more than the newer maids. ok, true but why she want to sibuk about other maids? she wants to get paid more then she leave the country & come back in lah. but then you'll only be paid rm500 & not rm600 which you're getting now izenit? so cant you just be bloody grateful & not demand for rm800. biyatch.

oh yes, & have i mentioned that this one’s gotta mouth on her? i once called out to her & she SHOUTED back at me. so i shouted right back at her & told her to speak nicely. why? no manners ah?? another time, she told me that i was not a good person because i didn’t ask her if she had eaten. what the fucking hell… she, the maid, never asked us whether we had eaten also but we must ask her that??? wtffff…

i don’t know why my mil puts up with her.

anyways, i have expressed my anger & concerns to both the husband & the mil. so, the conclusion is & i hate to say this, we are gonna pay her rm200 as demanded (shit) but her contract will expire in june09 at which time i can tell her fuck off (whoopieee) & then we’re gonna share with mil on the cost of getting a new maid. yeah, agency costs as well as monthly salary.

good riddance to bad rubbish.

bulats

lookit me.
im so round.
its the face that gets to me.
its bulat.

why cant i look like a. jolie ah?

nerves

we are 5 weeks away from the EDD.

but you know what they say –it can be plus/minus 2 weeks. so im more than a little nervous right now. seeing as its my first time, i don’t even know what to expect. even with the baby movements, i don’t know whats a kick or a twitch or a punch or whatever. people ask me “oh wheres the head & wheres the feet?” & im like “errr… i dunnnnoooo!!” apparently, pregnant women will get braxton hicks contractions –this is the body’s way of practicing for real labor contractions. but, yeah, you guessed it… i don’t know whether i’m having these practice contractions or if its really the baby moving. so i worry that i wont know when the time comes. of course, every piece of literature i’ve come across says that “you’ll know” when it’s the real thing. i’m afraid that i wont get to the hospital in time & blub will be delivered in the car. i’m afraid that the husband wont be around when the water bag breaks, seeing as his working hours are different than mine. he says he will arrange for a back-up but i really really want him to be there from the first pain, the first realization, the first anything. cos i’ll be so afraid.

i’m afraid of going through the labor pains. of having an episiotomy. of tearing naturally. of not being able to have a doodie dot com session after the delivery for fear of tearing the stitches. of going through hours & hours of labor. i’m afraid that i cant deliver vaginally & have to have a c-section. now i’m thinking why don’t i just opt for a c-section in advance? but you see, my mom had 6 of us normally. my sisters had their kids normally. other women who are smaller than i am had their kids normally. so i should be able to do it too right? but my doctor says it really depends on how big the baby is compared to me.

i hope the husband cries when i cry. that’ll be justice enough. in the husband’s family, shouting in pain during labor is considered embarrassing. me being me, i joked that i’ll shout & scream my head off even if i wasn’t in pain just to make the husband feel guilty. but now, now, i’m genuinely scared.

the husband’s aunt who’s married to an italian says that it is the italian custom for the husband to give the wife diamonds for giving him a son. & seeing as the husband is so perasan that he is an italian (not) muahahaha… so i wonder, wonder, wonder… would i be getting any rocks? tengok-tengok dapat batu sungai hihihihi… which of course i will throw at him… no lah, i’ll treasure it forever. maybe i’ll timbun it with layers and layers of soil, rock, sand etc… & billions of years from now it will turn into petroleum & will make my descendents rich oil tycoons.

see, always find the positive in things. hihihi… yes, even if you get accused of day dreaming too much…

diet modification

tsk tsk tsk...

it seems i am a borderline gestational diabetic. so, i have to modify my diet. cut down on sweet things (obviously), carbohydrates & even fruits & juices. i cant have yogurt unless its the non-flavored kind. im a bit iffy on whether i can have milk. im to purchase a glucose monitor/meter so that i can update a daily monitoring chart. gilos. luckily i only have about 6 weeks to go before i pop. sigh, its rather difficult to review my diet plan at the moment. i mean i can give up the obvious things like ice-creams/lollies/sweets. but how about the daily things i eat? charsiewpau, rice, dimsum, bread, peanut butter etc? of all the fruits i mentioned to the doctor, the only approved fruits are guava & green apples. sigh... & im on mango-mode at the moment. & i just bought some oranges too. lers. the husband has to finish them all. i'll be looking on in envy.

again, the baby was hiding his face at today's check-up. this time with his hands over his face. malu-malu kucing pulak. sigh... hes now 2.1kg & big momma is only 59.9kg. i thought i'd be like over 60kg.

im in the office now & i took off my bra. hehehe... it was hurting me. almost time to leave now so im gonna have to whip into the ladies to put it back on again.

stretchy stretchy

i discovered to my utter dismay that i have developed the ugly stretch marks. theyre not white silvery lines. their ugly crimson ones. i didnt notice them at first because theyre right under my tummy above the pubes.

last week, i was appalled to see some snaking on my sides/waist. they didnt look like much at first & i thought they were just indentations from my pants, but to my horror, they kept becoming more & more obvious as the days went by. sobbbbbssss!! & so, i began my frantic check on other parts of the tummy & found, jengjengjeng... even MORE under the tummy above the pubes.

& i thought (or hoped) that i wouldnt succumb to this. wahhh!! i think using the lotion/cream to keep stretch marks at bay is a hoax. serious shit. it helps with the itching, sure. but think about it logically lah right. sure lah your skin will stretch izenit. sighhh... the question really is how stretchy is your skin. if its very stretchy then less marks, if resistant to stretching then more marks. ok wateva, dont listen to me, im just trying to make myself feel better. my doctor said that she never used any creams even & that whatever you do, the cursed things will come. sighhh...

the tummy looks like a ball now. hihihi... i SO do not have a nice looking tummy. maybe a nice shape but not nice skin over the tummy. as you can see from the pictures below. enjoy. dont barff too much.

can you see the stretch marks?

i applied some oil to help with the itching. but the stretch marks came anyways.

the bump vs the thighs vs the feet.

thank goodness the feet have yet to swell. doesnt mean theyre pretty though.

the husbands hairy hand vs the bump.

rain on my parade

don’t you just hate it when you’re celebrating and somehow a wet blanket makes an appearance? i hate wet blankets. i wish a good sun and great gush of wind would come and sort it out.

or else a super-duper big hair-dryer.

begone.

pregnancy-related emotions??

why do i keep feeling like i don’t belong? or that i’m doing something wrong? these feelings are occurring frequently and it leaves me feeling a little despondent & i don’t even know why. is this what they call prenatal depression? could it be due to hormonal changes? i really don’t like these feelings. while i have them, i am consciously telling myself not to entertain such things too much. i’m afraid that i’m predisposed to post-natal depression. waaaaaaa!! i dowannnnn!!

it may not be depression after all. hehe… but i do have these disturbing feelings. can’t really explain them. its more of a feeling of emotional discomfort. i’m afraid that i wont feel comfortable as a mom. how will life change? there’ll be this little person who’ll be fully dependent on me –will i bond? don’t get me wrong. i’m looking forward to having the little tyke. i’m just anxious over everything: my parental abilities. my relationship with the baby. my relationship with the husband. my growing tummy. my rounding face. itchy skin. sleeping positions. money. my appetite. my yearning to be around my family (i.e. not my in-laws). baby-sitters. the baby bonding with my in-laws more than with my own family. eating crabs. drinking coffee.

what a worry-wart.

gripes

- don’t ask me why i'm wearing 1-inch heels in my pregnancy. my pre-pregnancy shoes were all skinny 4-inch heels. i’ve come a long way. & yes, i will be wearing flats as soon as my bonus comes in. unless you want to buy me shoes?

- don’t ask me why i'm not wearing big clothes. i am wearing bigger clothes. but i also don’t wish to look like a fool drowning in fabric.

- don’t sarcastically tell me that the new big clothes i just bought will not fit me for very long & that i should’ve had the sense to buy even bigger sizes. firstly, refer to above. secondly, of course they won’t fit for very long. im pregnant & im growing.

- don’t ask me why i like to wear tight clothes. they’re not tight. they’re stretch-ables & i wouldn’t wear them if they were uncomfortable. i want to rejoice in my pregnancy. not hide it under a tent. if you look at me & feel uncomfortable, you go wear a tent.

- don’t smoke in front of me. im pregnant. please be courteously considerate.

- don’t tell me i can’t exercise. the doctor says its encouraged and she knows better than you, you medical school drop-out.

- don’t think that your claim as a grandparent over-rides my claim as a parent. the “grand” doesn’t make you greater. it just means that my son will have the joy of knowing all his grandparents. not have three sets of parents.

- don’t insist again & again that it’s a girl (although even if it was, i wouldn’t mind). the doctor with all her new scientific scanning technology is a safer bet than your naked-eye-gauge of the shape of my tummy.

- don’t pick on the pregnant lady. she might not be very lady-like after that.

- don’t ask me why i'm still driving myself to work. do you think my husband doesn’t work & can play chauffeur to me all day ah? as it is the poor soul has to take public transport to work.

- don’t ask me why i'm already showing in my 4th month. i don’t know. do you know your body so well? can you control your growth?

- don’t tell me “you’re so big lahhh!!” or call me “hey fatty”. it so does not make sense especially as i’m still smaller than you and i’m the pregnant one. besides, i’m supposed to be bigger. who expects pregnant women to have a flat tummy? you dum-dum. you rude dum-dum.

- don’t ask me if im still eating maggi mee. of course i am. what am i? perfect? i'm just not eating it as often as i used to.

- don’t keep asking me if i'm hungry. i'm not. & if i were, i’ll eat. trust me enough not to starve myself or my child.

- don’t keep saying i have to eat for two now (read excerpts below) just because you think pregnant women should be big. my tummy is growing & i am already gaining weight. besides, my doctor says more weight will be gained by the 3rd trimester.

i. Do I really need to "eat for two?"
While you are pregnant, you will need additional nutrients to keep you and your baby healthy. But, that does not mean you need to eat twice as much. You should only eat an extra 300 calories per day. A baked potato has 120 calories. So getting these extra 300 calories doesn't take a lot of food.

ii. During pregnancy, it is not necessary to eat for two. It is only necessary for you to eat enough food rich in nutrient that will help your baby to grow and also more calories than you before you became pregnant for it will really help to meet the needs of your baby most especially in growth.

okie dokie? comprende??

moods

i cried watching an indonesian soap last week. i cried watching a hindi movie yesterday. i cried reading about people crying. i cried when the husband said he wasnt in the mood for christmas (although i have since enforced the everyone-must-have-christmas-mood-during-advent ruling in my household). i cry while im puking. i cry at night because of my rashes. i cry when i read about the state of politics in this country (stupid administration --hope you all pay for your political sins in hell).

in short. i like to cry these days.

oh ya, & i get worked up easily too. i mean my temper flares together with my nostrils.

last night, the husband said he would get me some kfc on the way back from work. well, although i knew he would only reach home at about 945pm - 10pm, for some reason, i got angry with him for not coming back with the kfc in time for dinner at about 8pm. bodos kan me? he ONLY finishes work at 9pm. & usually only leaves the office at 920pm cos he has to lock-up after everyone leaves for the day. so how could he have brought me dinner at 8pm?

oh by the way, the nausea is worsened when i dont eat i.e. when i'm hungry.

when he called me on the way home, i sulkingly told him "no need to get me the kfc now! who eats dinner at 10pm??" then when he got home, he was kind enough to offer to make me something to eat & i said "no need!" when he persevered i screamed "no need!!! i dowan!!! i cannot eat already now! & dont talk to me!!! i cannot talk!!! i feel like puking!! dont talk!!"

hehehe... poor thing kan. & when i ran to the toilet to puke, he dutifully came & rubbed my back.

this morning i apologized for being cranky.