(other people's explanation for) what motherhood does to me

No matter how much you prepare for it, parenting will blow your mind.

Kids will challenge you, bring you to tears, crack you up,
and make you forget what you urgently had to do.

They'll shatter the life you knew into a million pieces.

Then they'll put it back together, like a stained-glass window,
into something infinitely more complicated and beautiful.

awww...

yet another milestone

today i join the throngs of people who send their kids to someone else to care for.

my parents abandoned us on saturday. & for most of the weekend, it was just us 3 as a family.

i'm proud to announce that i even managed to sweep, mop & do the laundry. clap clap clap for me. the husband has also attempted to feed etha*n. unfortunately for him, the baby's started becoming a bit unpredictable with his feed times. unfortunately for me, the husband fell sick yesterday so he hasnt been able to help me with the baby. never mind. hes made up for it by doing the housework.

today is etha*n's first day with my MIL's maid. yes, despite all my complaints, we have decided to send him to her after all. better a known devil than an unknown one (ok i gotta stop being bitchy). also, we found out that the babysitters in kepong run up to rm650 - rm750. madness hor? ALSO, because the MIL's maid is a bit sot-sot, we've decided to apply for the new maid at the end of the month. if the new maid comes early, then she will stay with us & in the mornings i'll send her & the baby to my SIL's. & later when the MIL's maid goes bye-bye in june 2009, the new maid will move in with the MIL. the financial arrangements are that we split the cost of getting the new maid as well as her monthly pay 50-50. my dad asked me why dont i just get my own maid. well, one i live in an apartment & i've got no place for the maid to "live" in (not just sleep in). second, i live in an apartment & i need some privacy.

ok so back to my son's childcare arrangements: hes with the maid now. i told him to make sure he smiles at her a lot so that her hati pun sejuk towards him. & boy has he taken my instructions to heart. he has smiled & chuckled non-stop since saturday night when we went there to visit & get him used to the maid. so much so that one of the uncles told him to "save it for tomorrow". hehehe. in the mornings i drive him to my MIL's with him sitting in the car seat next to me. which apparently is not the right place for him but at the moment i need him to be able to see me or else he'll be cranky. so, i'll be driving & he'll be smiling at me. so farnee.

i'm heading home now to get my son. i cant wait to see him.

as the deer pants for the water
so my soul thirsts after you
you alone are my heart’s desire
and i long to be with you

you alone are my strength my shield
to you alone does my spirit yield
you alone are my heart’s desire
and i long to be with you

you’re my son and you are my pleasure
even though your dad's my king
i love you more than any other
even more than anything

jiwang

my prince,

i hope i'll be a good mother.
please do as i say (& not as i do).
be a better person than i ever will be.
don't hate me too much in your teens.
come to me with your troubles.
be kind to me if i handle them carelessly.
& forgive me.
take from me only the good.
help me be a better person than who i was before you.
grow healthy & strong that i might be there for you.
your first breath.
your first step.
your first love.
& yes, your first heartbreak.

love,
the queen.